The LORD is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer;
my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge.
He is my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.
I was in love.
Oh man, I was in love!
This guy was really something else - he loved my family; he made me laugh constantly; he cared about being a Christian and our spiritual walks. He was everything I ever wanted and more.
It felt like it was too good to be true, and ultimately it was.
To this day, I am not sure where everything went wrong. I don't know what I did or what he did, because I think I really tried to fix whatever was the matter. I just know that in one minute, in one bad decision, everything changed. If there were one thing that I regret, it would be losing this person.
For the next two and a half months, I mourned. My heart broke every single day because I knew I was waking up to another day without having my best friend. Finally, I figured out that nothing would change. I can still be nice, I can still be courteous and friendly, but no matter what we would never be what we used to be. Really it didn't matter to me if we dated or not. I could care less if that is what ended up happening or not happening. I just missed my friend. I just wanted my friend back.
Just as I told myself not to worry anymore, something happened. Probably the hardest thing I have ever had to do did not have to deal with academics, athletics, or anything in between: it was the moment I finally had the opportunity to see him again. I almost didn't go because I didn't want to make HIM feel uncomfortable or make HIM feel like he was put under any pressure. HIM! HIM! HIM! I finally decided to go and told myself that I wasn't going to let it get to me, but that was just a lie. It did bother me. Like I said- I can live just fine without dating him, I just want my friend back. The heartbreak I use to feel came rushing back. I was petrified to approach him. I froze if he started to look in my direction. I did not know what to do because I was so scared that he didn't want to even associate with me.
Well, I made it through the night with the help of some very beautiful, amazing friends of mine.
Sitting here and reflecting, I am dumbfounded because the solution is so simple. If I put even HALF of the love that I have had for this guy towards CHRIST, I would have been so much better off this whole time! Demons fought my angels and the demons won every time; had I not been so consumed in self-pity, there is so much I could have accomplished for God rather than myself. Nothing can be accomplished through misery. Something Dr.Steven Bonner said recently struck a nerve. In a nutshell he said forget the physical, stick with the spiritual! Um.. can I get an AMEN!?!?! Seriously! How many times do we have to tell others & be told that "this world is not my home/I'm just passing through?" Stop letting those STUPID demons get the best of you because without Christ as your shield, it is ALWAYS going to be a losing fight!
God is going to protect. PERIOD.
What more assurance do you need?
I have no doubt that I am always going to love this guy. He has been a part of me for the better half of my life, and for that I am so grateful. But all in all.. this is what it comes down to:
Life is not about a boy.
Life is not about a girl.
It is not about jewelry,
clothes, the style of your hair.
It is not about the nail-polish on your toes
or the rings on your fingers.
Life is about God.
Life was creating BY God.
BY God, FOR God, to LIVE BY God.
I hope you all feel what I have felt in some shape, way or form. The misery is gut wrenching, but the outcome is awesome, if you let it. I want you to know how it feel to lose and to gain. I want you to be blessed by whatever happens, even if finding happiness or contentment means waiting a few weeks, months or years. Just don't forget - it is there. It is in God. You will be uplifted. You will feel restored. You can do it, no matter what your demons try to whisper in your ear. Don't give Satan the upper hand in making your life full of turmoil. Let your angels WIN so that you can be so captivated by God's love that you know His is all you need!
1 Corinthians 13:6
Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices in truth.
2 Samuel 22:29
You are my lamp, O Lord; the Lord turns my darkness into light.
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